


The Sinful Gospels of Satandrien

by Icealeen, KiraCroissant, nyahchatnoir, Pevachu



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Bible, F/M, satandrien
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-06-03 03:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6595141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icealeen/pseuds/Icealeen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiraCroissant/pseuds/KiraCroissant, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyahchatnoir/pseuds/nyahchatnoir, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pevachu/pseuds/Pevachu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When life was given, there were two things. First, there was the croissant. And then, there was a hungry Adrien. </p><p>This be the gospels of the cute as fuck sinnamon roll, satanic Satan Adrieena Agrestive. His sinful salvation and sin booty ways give us life. Join us, the prophets, as we take u on a special journey to our overlord Adrien's discovery of salvation. This be a epic (jk) of love, life, and the internal organs within Adrien's tummy wummy. A lotta shitty posts be inside, but they bae; like, the shit definition. Cuz we shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Origins of Santandrien - Because We Are Original

**Author's Note:**

> Help us

Adrien, the great leader of the awe inspiring religion Satandrienism, despite of what you might of heard it was not a cult, for it was a very, very old religion. Adrien was feeling hungry, for it had been a good hundred years since he's had a good virgin sacrifice. Ever since those humans stopped giving him the regular all hallows eve virgins body to feast on, he had been slowly growing more and more hungry and angry.

* * *

 

Adrien held the list of virgins from around the world in his hand, and read it. He glanced at the list to see if any names stuck out to him. There. That one. Marinette Dupain Cheng.

* * *

 

Ladybugsyoyo 1:1


	2. The Holy Croissant 2:69 4u

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ya aysssssse be coolio ya heard skillet
> 
> Dis chappie by ya girl Nyah~

**The Holy Croissant 2:69 4u**   
  


Our beautiful and handsome bishonen sinnamon roll was mighty hungry one day. As he walked along the crowded streets of Paris, he sniffed delicately at the air. His rumbly tumbly grumbled, and his cutesy blonde freshly plucked brows furrowed in his immense hunger.  
  


“What da (fu)k is that???” asked the blonde sinnamon roll.  
  


He continued to peruse the teeming sidewalks, as he sniffed pointedly at the air. His converse clad feet carried him along, and his pretty foresty grass green sparkly shoujo eyes shimmered with want.  
  


“Where is that smell coming from?” our savior questioned, following his nose.  
  


The smol boi commenced to sniff curiously at the air, until he finally came upon a smol, tiny little bakery shop. His princely orbs grew to the size of two baseballs.  
  


Adrien gasped with surprise, “Holy fuck Plagg. Dis be Marinette’s house!”

 

The grumbly kwami in his breast pocket harrumphed.  
  


“Fuck dat. I just want some cheese, human.”  
  


“Ya know what Plagg,” replied the freshly baked sinnamon roll, “Fuck you. I am a free elf. My daddy gave me clothes. I do what I want.”  
  


Stepping up to da front door, he knocked, before closing his eyes in a “wtf you doin” expression. He quickly went to suavely push against da door, accidentally thrusting it open with his immense super superpowers. He was too strong da the door.  
  


“What the frick was that?” cried Sabine Dupaine Cheng.  
  


The papa man Dupaine Cheng immediately responded, “Well, why don’t you look at the door ya dumb cutie?”  
  


“You gey,” Sabine said, as she finally listened to her husband for once and glanced over at their bakery’s front door.  
  


She smiled wide and quite motheringly, “Ayeee, it be dat Agreste boi. The one Marinette be trippin over. How you doin sinnamon roll son?”  
  


“Mmmmm,” Adrien looked around himself unsurely. Blinking his lengthy luscious lashes, the teen threw on a casually casual façade and strolled up into da club, “Um, I’mma smellin’ some Gooooood shit right there. Like, here. Like right in this place. Que es?”  
  


“Oh,” da mama said, “You must mean da croissants. Da babby daddy is taking a break right now, so meh baby girl is a comin’ up in here soon. Oh lookie there blonde model son! Here she cometh.”  
  


Adrieeena blinked in confusion and stared in the direction that her voice pointed. The cute as fuck sinnamon roll found himself to be dumbly staring at the tre bien form of le innocent pure pancake, fuckin Marinette Dupaine fucking Cheng, who grinned especially seductively, as she sinfully shook her hips unknowingly in his direction. Her eyes widened when she noticed her crush standing there, and her heart made the doki doki. The immense blushie blush on her cheekies was indeed very kawaii to the teenage satanic wanna be hipster deamon.  
  


_Oh wowie_ , his mind spoke, _she fine as hell_. _But I’mma low-key keep dat to meself ya heard._  
  


**To be continued…**


	3. Bweeb wizards special spells pew pew oh no your turnned to stoneeeeeeeee.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boob wizards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so fucking done with this bull shit like can I go for one day without making chapter but no this religious is eating my soul out feet first what will I DOO.  
> -Ladybugsyoyospeaks aka Lazysoda

Adrien sat at his desk, which was made of the bones of fools like us. Like you. LIKE THIS WHOLE FANDOM. _So spooky._ He pressed a button which opened a compartment, and inside that very compartment there were tiny, tasty croissants. They were so tiny, like thumb nail size.

He smiled with joy at seeing his favored human food. His smile was so glorious it hurt everyone's eyes.

He looked away for a second to grab another mug of blood and when he got back the tiny baby croissants where _gone._

He screamed in anger with the force of 1,000 suns.

Those _damn_ boob wizards must of stolen them.

**He would have revenge.**

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> end me pls


	4. cut me some crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gimme dat nose candy~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what am I doing? nothing I swear

**"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR"** yelled the anguished smol deom plagg cuz somone stole his foncy cheeeese.

He bet it was thoose darnm bweeb wizaerds agiain. Theay stole everthing in stite and we just gemerrally the worste ande EVERY1 h8ed them.

Evan da kinga hated thoose mangey thingys, theey should be ded but they were lik rats.

Plagg hates rats vory mulch.

Plagg ated rats for da breaskyfast.

He would eat tham l8er, afteer he tolked to da kinga. 


	5. grass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> adrien's true love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why is fuck replaced with duck?  
> the world may never know

"MMMM YEAH BABY GIVE IT TO ME!" The blonde cinnabun groaned at the grass.  
Mothers walked by and stared, half appalled and half turned on. They covered their children's ears as they pointed and stared.  
"Look Mama! This boy has a grass kink!" Yelled a little red headed girl.  
Her eyes sparkled youthfully as she watched the model hump the grass, as if he was born to do so.  
"AWH DUCK!" He groaned once more.  
"SHUT THE HELL UP KINK BOY!" Mama A popped out of the bushes. Adrien stopped humping the ground to look up at his mother, who looked very similar to Tara Strong.  
"Mama, you came back!" He exclaimed, running to hug her.  
"No bitch, you ain't hugging me with those kinky hands." Mama A said as if her son was a peasant.  
"S-senpai! I'm cold, come back!" Grass-chan yelled to her beloved model idol.  
Adrien winked at his mother and went back to humping Grass-chan.


	6. Making the Penises Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sin? no wait um
> 
> dis chappie by nyahchatnoir, nyah!
> 
> also known as 2dladybug~

**Making the Penises Kiss**

* * *

 

“Yo boy lemme see ya wizard stick.”

The utterly random statement by Satandrien made Nino blink out of utter confusion.

“Huh?” replied the cute faced dude bro, before he carefully moved a hand up to mess with his hat. He fumbled uncomfortably in his spot, “Um, dude. What are you even talking about?”

“I said,” the blonde friend beside him deftly reiterated, “Lemma holla at cha wizard stick brah.”

At his best friend’s words, Nino only shook his head, instantly dumbfounded. He blinked his large brown eyes in great surprise, moving his hand up to awkwardly grasp at the strap of his backpack. He gave his model friend an unsure glance.

“Uh, Adrien, you’re kind of scaring me, dude. My wizard stick? Bro, what are you getting at?”

Though he had spoken, Nino’s question fell upon deaf ears, and Adrien immediately went to unbutton his pants. His darker bro friend allowed his orbs to widen in moderate horror, as he stared quite stricken, while Adrien messed with his britches.

Suddenly, Nino wanted absolutely fucking _nothing_ to do with this goddamn confusing as hell situation. He pushed on his best friend’s chest, fully knocking him away.

“Yo dude, I’m out!” the teen cried, already backing away, “Like, fucking damn son. Get back to me when you’re not being a creepy ass model man, okay?”

“Aye wait!” Adrien called, still subconsciously moving a hand down to the zipper of his pants. It was a fact that Satandrien was unable to control his most perverted and primal urges. Like wanting to hold Ladybug or singing along with any Demi Lovato song. GOD, was he a ducking fukboi or what?

In his eyes, a sharp panic grew, “Damn it son, well… Well, we can still do this! I can still save this. Nino-”

“Uh-huh. I’m gone. We done. Holla back at me when whatever _this is_ … is over!”

“N-Nino wait!” OUR SWEET OVERLORD CINNAMON BUN’S young and kawaii kind heart brokeded. All the sinful lil shit had wanted to do was make the friends’ penises kiss. Just gently. Like, Adrien’s cock just wanted a little _tiny_ smooch smooch. A peck from Nino’s. Truly, he was confuzzled. Where in the hell of all things good and lovable had he gone wrong? Painful tears burned within his eyes.

As Nino started to stalk off, Adrien felt the need to at least confirm that he hadn’t lost his best and only friend in all the universe for the stupid and vain sake of making the penises kiss. He swallowed down at the shit anxiety that was fucking balling itself inside his sexy ass throat and forced himself to yell his assurances.

“H-Hey, we’re fuckin coolio, right babe? I-I mean, I didn’t fuck ya up?” Adrien’s call met Nino’s ears, but the teen said nothing, and he swiftly turned the corner, “I mean, like, no homo man! No homo.”

Nino continued to only march away, totally ignoring him and instead choosing to focus on his boiling shit tastic anger feels. Now that he was completely out of Adrien’s sight, he allowed a sighy sigh that shook through him. To be truthful, a tiny portion of him had wanted to let their penises kiss. It would have been only a small touch, just a loving caress. Nino was sure that Adrien’s sweet pen15 would have been nothing but gentle even in his urgency to get inside his best dude bro’s pantalonez.

In the wake of Nino’s sudden disappearance, Adrien was left quite stricken in his spot. Frowning, the boy let his eyes droop downward in a sad as hella emo-like kinda way, before he enthusiastically let his shoulders do the depressed lil droopy thing. The action was so cute that it made all of the passersbys curiously want to feel what was inside his own pants… Which in retrospect was pretty fucking weird since he’s like, what, a fucking hot ass model sex demon? And pretty fucking young but ya know eh.

Feeling moderately sad, the handsome boi Satan’s cute and adorably sparkly grass greenie eyes blinked once, his orbs lidded, until he sudden took in a deep as fuck breath and grinned the sinful granny beam.

“I will make our penises kiss one day, Nino. Mark my words~”

And with a playful whatever the hell this **~** is at the end of his statement, the male hot fire sin man took a large step in the direction of his icey tundra like mansion with a newly found warmth in his chest. Damn, was he a pirate, and he treasured the feeling… Badump aijsbhdfohen dumpsh. Dis guy was gon go hunt dat booty no matter how long it took.

Smirking, the lil devil reached into his too tight blue jean pockets and drew out a sky blue scarf and a pair of fucking fantastic and amazeball looking dark po-po glasses. He instantly slid on the shades, and a loud music began to play, its epicness growing with each and every cool ass step.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


	7. I- I think I <3 u bro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bromance cool

"Jesus what is this life..." Nino asked himself, staring into the mirro at a McDonald's public bathroom.  
"A ducking game ya weeb!" Some random man yelled from the stall across the room.  
Nino sighed, waddling out of the bathroom and looking over at his friend, who was sitting contently and eating his happy meal.  
"Yo, turtlebro" Nino smiled and waved at the turtle, Alya. Of course, it didn't respond. It sat there, nibbling on its french fries.  
"GRAWWWWWW" growled Alya. The turtle, Alya, and Nino's heads shot up as they watched the fuming blogger approach their table.  
"THE FUCK YOU DOIN WITH MY TURTLE, LADYBUG JR?" Alya screamed, picking up her turtle and stroking its shell.  
"Whatever, take it back. He's not a very good conversationalist." Nino sighed as he handed his friend the tiny Ladybug mask.  
"She." Alya said as she tied the mask back on her turtle, and turned to walk out the door, turning heads as she does so.  
"Damn, that's one crazy bitch, but she fine as hell." The random man said as he walked out of the public bathroom.  
Nino screeched as his head turned all the way around, "PEDOOOOOOOOHILIAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Nino glared and walked back into the bathroom, and stared at the mirro.  
"What am I? What is this life? Howwwww. Whyyyyyy." Nino yelled at his reflection.  
The teenage boy sat in the corner near the urinals, crying and trying to avoid having an existential crisis.  
"BITCH" the blonde model boy ran into the bathroom.  
"Bitch..." Nino replied solemnly.  
"BIIIIIITCH!"  
"Female dog."  
Adrien gasped.  
"HOW DARE!"  
"Bitch...." Nino apologized. Adrien walked over and hugged his bro, carrying him out bridal style from the McDonald's.  
After Baerilla drove them back to the mansion, they did what all bros do: elope.  
Nino and Adrien went to the courthouse and got a bromance marriage. All of Paris crowded around as the happy brouple skipped out and onto the street, never to be seen again.


	8. You can never have to much adrien

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more than one awaits you

Adrien meets Adrien : Miraculous Ladybug The Early Years  
by Adrien

 

A/N:  
Hi Ladys and Gentleman,  
I am writing this fic for one reason and one reason only; angrykiller90210 said I couldn't do it!  
They said I couldn't stick with anything. Well, this will be proof positive and it will be awesome! I'll do this in 3 parts, below is just the intro which doesn't count towards those 3. Like the Hobbit movie.  
(btw, I'll finish of the last parts of my other Miraculous Ladybug story later, btw.)

Seeya, From,  
-Adrien  
Everyone who looked could see there was a undeniably, ravenous animal attraction between Adrien and Adrien.   
No one could deny it.   
No one except Adrien and Adrien, that is.

They seemed blissfully unaware of their attraction to each-other. Unaware of their boundless uncontrollable lust.  
Every time they met they didn't show it, but everyone knew. Everyone knew what was really going on between them. 

A war of lust.

And everyone knew that it was a unsuitable situation. No one wanted to be dragged into that war.   
Something had to be done.Or someone.  
This is the story of one loan heroes struggle to overcome to the forces of evil. This hotness's name: Adrien!!!"

In the middle of all this, finally,Adrien could stand it no longer.   
He found Adrien, and pulled them to one side

"Thats it! its ruining the team. Its clear you cant function while Adrien is around!"  
"What no! I am fine."   
"No. Its very clear. You need to do the One�s banana peeled with them"  
Everyone else in the room nodded at this.  
"But doing the one�s banana peeled with Adrien...isn't that..umm...wrong?"  
"Oh, sure, its wrong. Very very wrong.  
But just because somethings wrong doesn't mean it shouldn't happen does it?"  
"No, I suppose not"  
Adrien wondered off thinking of the one�s banana peeled....how will she introduce the idea to Adrien? and would they accept it?

 

Hi.  
My name is Adrien and this is my story. 

A year ago got a job working for TEDTALKS. I am just a intern, but already I am fitting in like "one of the boys"   
In fact my boss, "sexy Steve", has taken a real shine to me and has said he will let me play around with one of TEDTALKSs big sex things.

I cant wait!

Despite working at TEDTALKS, I am also friends with Adrien and most of his entendrege. I know Adrien and Adrien and Adrien and Adrien and Adrien. I met them all awhile ago in my backstory and these days I had known them awhile.I dated half of them, in fact (and had sex with the other half)  
I call on them for help (or, more often, they call on me for help!) quite often.  
By co-incidence, this was one of those times!

"Hay Adrien we need the help of you and the TEDTALKS again"  
"Sure thing Adrien my man you know you can count on the TEDTALKS!"  
"Its you I count on, Adrien" said Adrien causing me to blush   
After that I put down the phone and started telling everyone else whats up.  
"Ok, gang" I said to the rest of TEDTALKS.  
"Adrien has asked for our help. It seems Omni Consumer Products is upto their old tricks, and we are the best people to take them down!"  
"They are after the Miraculous, but we have to get there first else things get even worse"

"What do we do?" said Steve  
"That's easy. We do what the TEDTALKS always does - punch things"

 

Now it was tomorrow and I was assembling my team.  
I first choose Adrien, who I had called in specially as our outside expert.  
I then choose Adrien as they were good at stuff.  
Also Bob from our private army so we had someone disposable who wouldn't be needed in future stories.   
I also choose myself, due to my all around abilities.  
After everyone was chosen me and Adrien started planning.

In the planning room we evaluated the data we had.

"Ok, we know that Omni Consumer Products is trying to find the Miraculous. This is probably so they can use it to dominate our friends and family"

 

"Now I have called our friends at the NATO and they have narrowed the location of the Miraculous down to Atlantis."  
"Cant they do better then that?" said Adrien  
"No, its only NATO""  
"-sigh- stupid NATO."  
"yeah.TEDTALKS always has to keep bailing NATO out of trouble..

"Well, I guess we are of to Atlantis!" said Adrien.

So we all leaped onto our TEDTALKS Reliant robins and went there!

 

Adrien finally found a moment to pull Adrien away from the others, to have a private moment.  
"Adrien we have to do it"  
"I know, my team told me as well. Apparently our feelings are causing problems for everyone else."  
"So we are agreed? We finally let our feelings out of their cages of repression they have been caged in all this time?"  
"Yes. For the team"  
"No...for us"  
Adrien leapt on Adrien at that moment.The raging koala they kept locked up finally unleashed.  
Adrien and Adrien quickly became a ball of body-partsand blood. Noses, legs and torsos all tangled together. Adrien didn't know what bit to focus on, so grabbed a spare shaft and dived in.  
"More! More! More!" whispered Adrien to Adrien.  
Their love making was like a sunrise of vaginas. Its like they were everywhere - inescapable (not that either of them wanted to escape them).   
Things got...messy...from that point on.

 

Nearby the others occasionally heard various bodily function noises. But politely ignored it.   
This had been coming far too long to ruin it now - and this team bonding was very much needed.  
Once we got to Atlantis we decided to split up, with me and Adrien finding where the Miraculous was hidden and the rest doing something which doesn't mater for the story. 

Me and Adrien explored the town, checking out all the nightclubs and skyscrappers in Atlantis.  
Eventually, after I had done enough teamwork, I found where the Miraculous was hidden.  
It was inside a new church in the dead center of Atlantis.

"Look! Its the Miraculous!"  
"But Adrien is here already! whats going on?"

At that moment Adrien spotted us and came over.  
"Mahaha it was me! I was Omni Consumer Products all along!"  
"What?" we said in shock.(but I had my suspicions the whole time).  
"While you and your goody-two-shoes TEDTALKS were being all 'la-de-da' "we are good guys" la-de-da', I was being Omni Consumer Products!  
And now I have the Miraculous there is nothing you can do to stop me! Even with Adrien to help you! your powerless"  
Adrien grinned evily at me.  
"oh, noees Adrien, what will we do now?! " said Adrien.  
"Dont worry, we still got time. Activating the Miraculous takes time. If we both Puns together we can take Adrien/Omni Consumer Products out! "  
"On the count of 3! 1 2 3 GO!"  
With that we both Puns together right into Omni Consumer Productss face.

Omni Consumer Products stagged backwards.  
"Nooooo you cant!"

"Again quick! while they are stunned".

So we did it again. "Bam! Pow!"  
"Noooo!"  
With that Omni Consumer Products died.  
"We did it! Omni Consumer Products is defeated once and for all! Thank you Adrien!"  
Me and Adrien celebrated are victory. But it was only the first of many more to come. As there was more evils in the world then just Omni Consumer Products and they will all be coming after the Miraculous now.   
So consider this the end of part 1 of Adrien and Adriens adventures!  
We lived happily ever after,   
The End.


	9. Gelatin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had to delete the emojis so fuck you

"WRAP IT UP YA FUCKS!" Theo yelled towards the actors.  
Marinette's sweet facade faded as she rolled her eyes and walked off set.  
Alya tripped over her turtle prop, and Nino ripped off his headphones as he walked toward the lunch table.  
Satandrien met up with Nino and stared in awe at the lunch that Tom and Sabine had laid out.  
"The fuck is this shit?" Nino spat out.  
"Gelatin? Mama Bread, you couldn't do better than GELATIN?" Alya was infuriated.  
"Well, we ran out of food..." Tom said nervously. "The bakery only had Jell-O mix."  
"Wow." Marinette groaned, grimace unchanging. By the time everyone had insulted the appley goodness, Satandrien had already scarfed down half the table.  
"good shit go౦ԁ sHit thats some good shit right there right there if i do ƽaү so my self i say so thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМНO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ Good shit" exclaimed the sweet cinnamon bun demon princess bab.  
Everyone was appalled and decided to starve instead of eat that shit. Then they all died from starvation.  
"Lol what fucks" laughed the blonde model babe.


	10. Subtle Velociraptor Angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: subtle velociraptor angst

In the beginning of time, there was one being and one being only: Satandrien. It took him 7 days to create the Earth, but only half a second to create the most beautiful creature that ever walked this miserable Earth... A VELOCIRAPTOR.

He was smol but mean and could tear off your dick just by stating at it. Satandrien was so proud of his scaley son, but he knew that he wouldn't last long without anyone else in this dry, baron desert land. Although he stayed all day and played with his pride and joy, Satandrien knew that deep down, Tilly the velociraptor would die.

"Father," the velociraptor crowed up at the sky, "where is everyone else? Why am I all alone?" Satandrien smiled sadly down at his son and he sent a meteor to STRIKE HIS TINY, REPTILIAN HEAD!  
"My son.." Satandrien mourned. But he knew, that eventually, Tilly would pass through all the underworlds to once again meet his father.

**Author's Note:**

> Y? how?  
> save us


End file.
